The Harder Path to a Better Life: On Finding Your River and Following It

Author’s Note: This year’s entries are a mix of the science of flourishing and well-being, practical suggestions following the scientific literature, along with some of my personal reflections from my writing of The Science of Flourishing.

Glancing Back to Craft the Life Beyond

The Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard once quoted that, “It is really true what philosophy tells us, that life must be understood backwards. But with this, one forgets the second proposition, that it must be lived forwards.” He goes on to state, “…life at any given moment cannot really ever be fully understood; exactly because there is no single moment where time stops completely for me to take a position to do this: going backwards.” Kierkegaard tells us through his writings that we are never in a state of certainty about what life holds for us, that we are in a constant state of incomplete information and understanding about the experiences we have ahead of us [1]. In the constantly unfolding experience of life, no matter how much we plan, we are never in complete control of our fates or fortunes. As the old Yiddish proverb reminds us, Mann Tracht, Un Gott Lacht – Man plans, and God Laughs.

Misfortune, trials, and tribulations abound in our lives – whether we find ourselves in positions of privilege or poverty. “What profit can we show for all our toil, toiling under the sun?” Asks King Solomon in the Biblical book of Ecclesiastes. Reminders of suffering and sadness that come from setbacks are sung as somber lamentations. Into each life some rain must fall, sing Ella Fitzgerald and the Ink Spots. The philosopher Thomas Nagel argues that, in the grand scheme of the cosmic universe, our pursuits – but also our pains – are ultimately trivial. He challenges us to think whether our actions ultimately hold any inherent meaning – the very meaning many of us strive to create or find in our brief existence [2]

Life holds much uncertainty and with it, a considerable dose of suffering. We need not be, however, as the famed Austrian psychotherapist and author Viktor Frankl says, a “plaything of circumstance.” [3] If we can make suffering part of our story and craft a sense of why we experienced them, how we overcame them, what we came to know about ourselves from rising to the occasion, then suffering ceases to be suffering – but something we have chosen to integrate into our personal identities and narratives.

The psychologist Paul Bloom argues that it is not simply that we must be subjugated by all forms of suffering – we can choose our sufferings [4]. We focus so much on unchosen sufferings and possibly neglect what often comes across as an oxymoron – chosen suffering. Contemporary author Mark Manson phrases his suggestion more blithely in his book, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.” Manson says that we still need to give a f*ck about something – to choose to care about something (or someone) we are willing to pour our efforts into and to choose meaningful struggles for our lives. For some, this could be leaving a mark on the world. For others, no less meaningfully, it could simply mean being present for your loved ones. For starters, try separating your suffering into two categories – one chosen, and the other, unchosen. You are probably all too aware of your unchosen sufferings – but what about your chosen sufferings? What experiences in your life do you currently have that, looking back, are actually wanted, if not somewhat paradoxically desirable?

1. Try one thing this month that pushes you beyond your comfort zone. Journal about your experience.

2. List challenges and setbacks you have overcome. Look back and reflect on how these experiences changed you for the better.

A Fifteen-Year Journey

2026 marks fifteen years since I started my career as an academic. When I compare the mostly bare curriculum vitae (CV) I handed in as part of my application when I started my job, I had no idea as to how, looking back, my more mature (and admittedly, slightly more weathered) future self would look. I did not have a clear roadmap for the kind of academic I wished to be, save for the usual and generally unhelpful advice to ‘teach better, publish more, and get to your next promotion.’ It was not always a pleasant experience, nor did I always feel that there was a sense of purpose in what I do. I’ve experienced my fair share of conflict and challenges – one where I was ‘persuaded’ to act unethically or risk a lawsuit, disappointments stemming from manuscript and research grant rejections that made me question my ability as a scientist and researcher, to the occasional regret of not taking up positions or opportunities overseas that would almost certainly have led to a more successful, and perhaps more fulfilling academic career. And that was just my professional struggles alone, foregrounding several soured relationships, a health scare, and other personal disputes, which I would rather not get into in this article. But my current self looks back to my past self and says, “Hey, you’ll do fine. You’ll be okay…. and you’ll manage to write a book or two.”

If you find yourself lost, struggling, conflicted due to the many unchosen sufferings you have, please know that you are not alone. What we often see as the highlight reels of others’ lives distort the realities of life; the charmed lives of those on social media platforms are, at best, a semi-charmed front for an often less savoury reality. While reading Matt Haig’s The Comfort Book, I came across a survival story of Julian Koepcke, and realized how feeling ‘lost’ in life is much like being lost in a dense forest with no clear signs of where to go [5]. Much like life, if you keep going in circles, without a sense of direction, you won’t find a way out. I’m assuming you don’t want to be going round in circles in your life. But if we follow a river, or the sound of water flowing through a stream or creek – like what Koepcke did, we will eventually find a way out. This path may mean trudging through dense foliage, scaling some cliffs, or taking a longer track to avoid some predators. But rivers often lead to settlements. There, we find food, resources, and the help that we need to continue along the journey and eventually find ourselves safely out of the forest. Or, in the case of life, out of the confusion and uncertainties we find ourselves struggling through.

Becoming More Antifragile

The stories of being lost in the forest remind me of how, even if we plot and plan for the journey ahead, we will remain in the same spot if we never take that actual first step forward. We will remain lost and directionless if we are uncertain of our direction in life. But life never hands us a compass or map that says to us, “This is where you are supposed go.” Philosophers remind us that we can glance backwards to know more about what we want in life, but life ultimately must be lived by experiencing it fully. Contemporary authors and positive psychology advise that we choose something we can experience meaningful struggles towards. What is your why, in life, in work, in your relationships? The answer to that is your guide – your river. If you could understand your life backwards, from past experiences, what were the moments where you followed your river, leading you to experience journeys you can be proud of?

Find your river and follow it.

It is here that we encounter the central theme of existentialism: to live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering.

Viktor E. Frankl

References

[1] Maden, F. (2025). Kierkegaard: Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Available at: https://philosophybreak.com/articles/kierkegaard-life-can-only-be-understood-backwards-but-must-be-lived-forwards/

[2] Nagel, T. (1971). The absurd. The Journal of Philosophy, 68(20), 716-727. https://doi.org/10.2307/2024942

[3] Frankl, V. E. (1985). Man's search for meaning. Simon and Schuster.

[4] Bloom, P. (2021). The sweet spot: Suffering, pleasure, and the key to a good life. Random House.

[5] Haig, M. (2021). The Comfort Book. Canongate Books.

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